San toi,

I am not refering to the book.

     Ah I believe this is the first time since the beginning of sophomore year that I am actually relatively excited about school. Sure I get no sleep but that is because I am somewhat eager to do homework and get that A I haven't seen since middle school! I am a loner at lunch because Ryan and Keri have 5th lunch whilst I have 4th but I think it's better that way because then I can get some homework && reading done. Oh, nerdy girl. This reminds me of the beginning/middle of sophomore year because I didn't hang out with anyone for quite some time but I always remained content and 100% drama free. Damn this is the last year I'll be in highschool. Damndamndamn. 
     Life is coming at me fast and it seems as if my reflexes are slow.
And as always, I'm fighting the temptation to pay attention to the boys who show me too much. You say I need to ask for numbers but man, I need a break from everything. They've all been great in the beginning but it always ends up terrible. Hence the reason I hatehatehate relationships. I know it's pessimistic but it's a fact that relationships do not last forever. Whether it be breaking up or dying, it won't last forever. I don't believe in relationships. I've seen too many fail to have faith in them. I'm pretty content with not having a boyfriend.
     I'm so damn happy tonight and I've no idea why! I've had a lack of sleep and lots of homework and I can't wait for tomorrow or the next day. Something about the 'Senior Sunrise' on Friday where all the seniors wake up extra early to all go watch the sunrise. I've never seen a sunrise :P But I've been invited by two groups of people haha but I'd probably even go alone just to watch it. I'm going to make madeleines. 
:D


I love art class yesssssss!
I'm going to go straighten my hair and go to sleep.
Goodnight!

Charismatic Comforting Quiet Shy Loud Happy Mature Original Musical Artistic Smart Inquisitive



I am where I don't want to be again.


I want to meet someone new. There is so much to learn from someone new. I already know enough about people I know.
Perhaps it is not them, but me.

I'm happy and scared and nostalgic and mad and nervous all at the same time
Because of the past
One last chance? I have always been terrible at making the right decision..

I've just finished my second book in 2 and a half days.
4 more to go.



Last week of summer break.
I have felt sad, angry, happy, nostalgic, lost, peaceful.
Now I'm just waiting for a fresh start, I know I always say I'm going to do better this time, and not mess up this year, but I honestly can't promise anything because I've proven wrong for the past few years. So I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see, and continue to wonder if I'm going to graduate or not.





This is my last chance.

But I'm sorry to say I'm not making any promises. 

 Dude these crest white strip things are sending a piercing pain through one of my teeth.
At least I gots white teeth :)



So I am sort of kind of actually considering taking senior photos. It looks kind of fun. So maybe. Damn school. 

I need to figure out what to put on my ballet form so I can know what time it is so I can finish my job applications and get a job so I can have cash so I can sign up for drivers training. Maybe I won't do ballet cause I know it's going to be a pain in the ass for everyone to take me and drop me off.
:/


I can curl my hair now
Hah, what an accomplishment.

THE DARK KNIGHT IS THE BEST MOVIE IN LIFE.
And as sick and twisted as it seems, Heath Ledger was damn hot as the Joker.

I don't sleep and there is nobody who is up at this hour to talk to at all anymore.
I am
       sad
         numb
         n
         o
s       y                   s
    a    e                  a
         disappointed
              g
              g
              restless
              alone     a
              v                 d
            sad
              t
              e
         sad                                                                                                                                 
         a                                                                                                                                      s
         d                                                                                                                                      a                   s
                                                                                                                                          Why do I let you make me sad
                                                                                                                                                                       d

The mean reds? You mean like the blues?
No... the blues are because you're getting fat or because it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?



I find myself only capable of remembering and not knowing how to weave the next thread
It's like standing on the egde of a cliff and not remembering how to step back to live


I hate forgetting how to rid myself of sadness.

I stayed at Christo's last Thursday to Sunday. We went to Music in the Park on Thursday night and hung out with Katie Joni && Tori. On Friday we went to the Queen Bean and saw this really awsome band called Halcyonaire. They're from Berkeley and I swear they're so good. Christo bought all the CD's from the show and I bought a poster that the bass playing made. I had them sign it and they I guess were surprised because they've never had anyone do that before haha. The poster has mountains on it and a sun in the backround and on the bottom it says "Lord let the sun shine on, but take me away." The lead singer, Chris, wrote "Blessings on the journey for the 'Golden Heart'" and the bass player, Brandt, wrote "Thanks! Be blassed! Give hope to the sunrise."

Today I got a manicure && pedicure with Tessa which was pretty sweet cause we haven't hung out since summer even started. We got fatty meals at Jack in the Box after haha.

Summerschool is over which is great because now I can sleep and clean and do everything I need to do. I finished DriversEd yesterday! But I need to get a job so I can enroll in DriversTraining and get my permit.. I really want to clean the house too because right now everything is messy and ugly and I can't go out unless everything is clean :/

School starts in a month! That's hardly enough time to do anything but it's better than nothing. Ballet is over but it starts again in a month too but I don't know if I'm going to do it because my dad made such a big deal about driving me to class even though when I signed up for it he assured me he wouldn't mind driving me to class. 



I think I'm going to go fill out some applications now...
Peace!

 Sunday I went rafting with my brother and his friends and his girlfriend.
It was hella fun except for the fact that I haven't spent time outside in about 2 years so by the time we were done I was bright red. 
:(
And I missed the two days out of the whole week that I'm supposed to go to ballet. It really does hurt though. It hurts to walk, to get dressed...It's rediculous! 
But it'll be over soon enough.


My brother leaves this Sunday. This is the last time we will see him before he goes to Iraq.
:(

Maybe I'll try drawing something for him! Idk if that would be cheesy though..I'm going to miss him so much. I hate when he's gone. It's so lonely and my parents are sad or mad all the time and it's tense at home. Nobody likes being home anymore but when he comes home we're all so happy. I know my parents love when he's home because he brings his friends over and the place isn't some dark, cold and sad cave that we dread coming back to everyday. When he's here he brings life back into us. I hate war. I hate hate hate hate war. 


My mom had an appointment set for me to see a phychiatrist about drinking I guess because she wanted to talk to me and asked if I still needed to see someone about that to have someone to talk to. I told her no because I mean...it's time I deal with that on my own. I don't want to put that extra pressure on my parents. I think my only motivation to not drink is that my brother is always so far away. It would kill him if he ever found out I've been to the hospital. If he found out about any more of what he knows. I can't do that to him. 
But as much as I'm over it I still want it. But I can't tell that to my parents because regardless of whether or not I want to they will send me to a phychiatrist. Plus all the stress that would be put on them..I don't want to be the reason they're stressed out or angry or sad or anything. I don't want to be the cause.

Usually one of the books I've been reading and taking my time to read calms me down and makes me peaceful and allows me to see things clearly but recently everything has been so tense and stressful that even the books' effects last such a short time. I find myself wanting to be happy and nice but instead I turn out to be angry and pessimistic. I can see that I'm doing it. I notice it and realize I shouldn't be doing it and I know what I should be doing but lately I just don't care. I need to relax.

I hope you're all doing well!
I want at least somebody to be happy.
:/ 

   Okay I know I'm only 16.
But my parents are killing me. You would think that since my brother came home they'd be super happy and in a good mood and optimistic for once.

But they aren't. In fact, it's the polar opposite. And they don't show it to anyone else, ESPECIALLY not my brother, but they show it to me. All I get from them is anger. Every word out of their mouth is something really mean. It's over stupid little stuff too! Every little thing. No matter what I do I'm an inconveinience or stupid or something that just puts them in a terrible mood.

So today, when my mom was speaking to me in a highly unpleasent tone (I'm trying to be nice.), I told her something along the lines of
Why do you always get pissed off at me. Every word out of your mouth for the past week, at least, has been to scold me. Do you think it helps? Does it solve anything? Do you think that by getting pissed off at me and making me pissed off because you're pissed off is going to make anything better? It doesn't do anything except piss us both off.
And she said
You're right
And got pissed off and acted like a little kid and slammed doors and closed doors in my face.
Because that's mature.

:/


Because when I take the public bus home I'm an inconvenience. And going to summer school doesn't make me tired at all, or the fact that it takes at least 2 and half hours to get home. You know I'm not tired I'm just a lazy ass right? 

Yeah!

So I joined this community,

thinkpositive30

Like I'm not here.
It's as if I am on the outside, looking in.
And on the rare occasion that I realize I'm away
I find it difficult to climb back in.

But right now I feel like I have fallen into a feeling of nothingness
And I know everytime I somehow manage to swim out
But every now and then I doubt my ability to leave this behind
And remember the better moments of life. 

to make a new journal, but maybe I will make a new one later.



I go back to school tomorrow, this past week I have been out of school for Spring Break, that of which I used only to sleep in, read, occasionally sew and play video games. 
On second thought, I might not go back to school tomorrow because I have an orthodontist appointment at 9:50AM. If it's long enough I won't go back to school. Either way I guess it is a good thing becaue I either go to school late or I get an extra day off.
Win/win. 
:)

I am almost excited to go back because I am in a mood that I can't really describe...it reminds me of when I started m sophomore year when I wasn't looking for anything and felt on top of the world. I don't necessarily feel 'on top of the world' but I do feel mildly optimistic in a "I really don't give a shit about what people think" but not in such a violent way haha. 

THINGS I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED OVER SPRING BREAK:

1. I taught myself a song from the movie Amelie, on the piano.
2. Hemmed and sewed that stupid shirt I wore even before I fixed it, regardless of how stupid it was.
3. Turned in 2 applications, both to places who do not need me.
4. Filled out one application, never turned it in.
5. Bought a new skin care product that has neither improved my skin nor damaged it.
6. Did not exit my house, rarely my room.
7. Started reading Impulse again, even though I've read it already.
8. Did not go shopping, not once due to lack of money.
9. Found out what kind of car I want when I get my license and money. (Volkswagon Rabbit :] )
10. Found optimism just in time for school.

:)

Too bad the whole optimism thing will only last a day or two, if I'm lucky. But while it is here I will welcome it with open arms. I will no longer feel nostalgic and wish I could do this or that and fix that and this. 
It is done and I am either a better or worse person because of it. 

My freshman year my English teacher asked us to write down the experience in our life in which we grew up. I wrote down that I could not answer that question because at age 14 I was still growing up and had no experiences that were so dramatically life-changing that could turn me from child to adult.
I can answer that question now.
But right now I would rather not.

just let me
t
a
l
k
to you

 So I guess
          it may be the whole
                            not
                              b
                              e
                              i
                              n
                              g
                                 in school thing
                                                       Or maybe it's the
                                                            u
                                                            s
                                                            i
                                                            c
                                                               I've been listening to.
                                                                    u
                                                                    t
                                                                       lately I've been alright.
                                                                       i
                                                                       k
                                                                       e
                                                                          I'll just be doing what I do everyday
                                                                                                  h
                                                                                                 i
                                                                                               c
                                                                                             h 
                                                                                                is nothing haha, but I'll turn from
                                                                                                     k
                                                                                                    a
                                                                                                   y
                                                                                               to
                                                                                                   really
                                                                                                   e
                                                                                                   a
                                                                                                   l
                                                                                                   l
                                                                                                   y
                                                                                                     happy.



                         And I like it.
                                               :) 

 I am ready.
I am ready for anything, everything.
Life is still a mystery, but now I'm ready, I am ready to explore it.

I have f
            a
              L
                L
                  e
                    n
                        once already. 
        I am back on my feet
I am ready to walk, 
ready to run.





Too bad my parents can't see this.
Too bad I can't talk to them.

 talking to you on the fucking phone
is like when i went to see my counseler
i absoluely hate it 
and dread it
and advoid it as much as possible 

i dont like you
get that through your fucking head man
i dont want to talk to you
we had sex
and im glad we fell apart
because that opened my eyes
and showed me that i was becoming you
and i didnt want that
now then
not now 
not ever.

stop calling me.
stop texting me.

i guess im someone youre never gonna meet again
but you gotta let go 
and leave me alone

it wasnt your fault
it wasnt my fault
we were both fucking drunk
and we had sex
it wasnt our fault.

please leave me alone.
and stop trying to rebuild our friendship.


And why can't I even bring myself to tell you this?

So basically in English class I didn't feel like doing my work and Chris found this and I thought it was pretty neat.

I hope I don't turn into an alchoholic when I'm 21.






I'm still questioning if you're a waste of time
I guess I'm a waste of time myself.
Sorry I don't have much to offer.



I'm doing ballet again.
:)

I hate that feeling
When everything happens all at once
Like everything is moving too fast
and you don't have time to take control
and make any decisions

I like being talked to
I love when people talk to me
When we talk about their problems
What's bothering them
I love it
I feel like I'm helping.
I try to, so hard.
I want more than anything in the world for people to be happy.
I try to make them as happy as I can.
Because I would absolutely hate it for anyone to feel the way I feel.


I can't talk to anyone about what's going on inside my head
Because honestly, I don't even know.
How can I ask for help when I don't know what the problem is?

I think I'll just stick with helping you.


I want to know how you feel
So I can know whether liking you is just a waste of time
I want to know if there's something to look forward to
or if I should stop to advoid getting hurt
I like you.

 I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING.




Ugh I'm all lskfjladskfj inside and I don't know how or why.
I don't know if I've lied to or if there was anything to lie about.
It was probably nothing to begin with.
I'm just overreacting.

Things have been annoying me lately.
I wish my mom would stop being lazy and lose weight.




There. I said it.

 I am currently unhappy.






THE END.

 I went to Georgia for a week to see my brother graduate Airborn school at Fort Benning. He graduated the day before we were supposed to leave. We learned last minute that he had 10 days leave. So we bought a plane ticket and left the day after.

I really like Georgia. It's clean! And everyone is actually genuinely nice! Overall and in general it's nice. And my dad wants to move there when he retires. Too bad I'll be all grown up and moved out by then. Maybe. But idk....if I want to move that far. I mean, I don't have a lot of friends, but for the few that are my friends..man, that would suck :(
I don't know..we aren't moving now so I guess I don't have to worry about that.

Nate's brother left for Iraq yesterday. That's been on my mind all day. It just makes it a million times more realistic that my own brother can get shipped out. 
I don't see how he could go around without showing....idk...emotion about his brother leaving. The day my brother left for basic training I was upset. I know the day my brother has to go back from his 10-day leave I'm gonna be really upset. 

Which reminds me.
I had my last counseler appointment this Tuesday. I told her about that Friday I went to the hospital. I cried. A lot. She asked if I would drink again and I truthfully told her I don't plan to drink again. I don't think I'll drink. I really don't. Maybe even when I'm 21. She asked if I drank because the whole deal with my brother being gone. I had to think about that one. I just do not want to blame anyone or anything for it. It is completely my fault. I had control over it. And sure I may have been upset a couple times but it wasn't anyone's fault. But I know when I started drinking and I know why, and I deny it because I can't put that blame on that person. So I have been trying to find another reason as to why. But I really can't. I didn't really start until I met him. I had only been drunk 2 times before I met him. I hate the idea of that but it's the truth. And I hate the fact that meeting him had that huge of an impact on me that I ended up in the hospital. I never realized it when I first started. When I knew when to stop. I never realized when I started forgetting how to stop. I never realized until that night. 
I don't think I will ever drink again. And I say that strongly enough to know that if there were alchohol in front of my I would not drink it. I would not be tempted. I would not drink it.

I don't want my brother to leave for the war. I can't stop thinking about Nate's brother having to go.
I hate the war.

 I am living only by nostalgia;
A sense of doubt that life will ever be as good as it once was.

I listen.
I hear.
I am here.

I want to help;
To save.

I absorb
I obtain


I am not in need of help anymore. I have found my feet, and I have learned to walk.
Let me take my journey,
I will start now.

Friday night
I don't remember anything
But I ended up in the emergency room
Before they called they lost my pulse and I stopped breathing 4 times

I have bruises on my arms from the IVs
A bump on my head along with various bruises from falling and hitting my head numerous times




I am still alive

I cheated last night;


I will not do it again;
He told me to get rid of the bottle, and I would like to it's just...well...I find it a little harder done than said. I don't know why. I just know that I'm going to want it in the future, need it, and if I don't have it what will I do. I am not used to handling things without it. It's been a long time since I have.
I will not cheat again.
I promise.



Counseling was not as bad, but I still don't like it at all. I told her about how I drank last night but I told her about my deal with Ryan and she talked about how it is always better and more helpful when there is somebody going through it with you.
I told her about how I don't like to call anyone about it even though Nate said I could call anytime because I always feel like I am bothering that person and I don't like the feeling of putting that sort of weight on someone. Then she talked about if there were someone who had a problem, a friend, would I feel bothered if they called whenever if they needed me. I would absolutely not be bothered. I would want to help that person. And yeah, if you say "I'm always here for you, you can call anytime you need to." then of course you mean it.

It rained today;
I lost my money;


I want to peirce my bellybutton.



Goodnight.

 Ryan and I have made a deal.
He will quit smoking if I quit drinking.
No cheating!

I don't know if I can do it. But I will try. I'm more inspired to because I have someone to let down if I don't and I do nott want to let anyone down.

 I guess things have been looking up.
A little.
I've been really, really low for a while.

And I guess I've gotten so low, that there is no going lower.
And when you can't go any lower, why not go up?

See, optimism!
It comes to me rarely, but when it does, it's great.
Why be sad, when you can be happy?

But when I was low I tried to think that it was a waste, that I was miserable.
It was hard. And I guess I just had to wait for it to come.


The main point of this entry is to tell you that I've been doing better. I haven't had a drink since Monday night, and I plan to keep it that way. I'm trying to quit. I am quitting.
I'm just really, really afraid of the next time I break. Because I know what the first thing I'm going to want to do is.
Hopefully I will be smart enough to grab the phone first.

I have friends. Good friends. I am thankful for friends.

When life is this low, it really is hard to keep in mind that everything is going to be alright.






New Years:
Got drunk.
Did horrible things.
Passed out.
Woke up and vomited.
Passed out.
Clean up.

Get caught.
Get told by my father that most people die from drowing in their own vomit, and that it is by chance that I did not die.
Get told by my mother that alcholism runs in the family, and that I am an alchoholic.
Go to dinner with my brother, his friends, his girlfriend, my parents.



Yesterday:
I do not speak much.
Nate calls
I really do not know how to take this. I am sad. I am ashamed. Embarrassed. I do not know why I tell the truth. I cry. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I appreciate you so much. You are the one person in the world that I feel is really stable. You will not fail me. I promise to be here for you as you have been for me.
I understand.

Today:
Wake up early.
Drive to San Francisco.
Wait at the airport.
He leaves back to Georgia.






You have no idea how badly I fucking want a drink. It is right there. I might. My second thought is brought up by the idea of disappointment. Death. My brother. 
I am low.
I am low.
I am forgetting how to get back up.


I am looking over the edge.
I have slipped.
I have been caught.
I retreat to the edge.
I do not know if I will let anyone save me again.
I do not know if I want anyone to.


I need to stop looking to the past for a comfort that will not re-live itself. Nothing will happen again. I need to learn to look to the future. But first I need to stop doubting my chance with the future.

Goodluck everyone.  

 Merry Christmas everyone!
I really do hope you all had a great one.


I swear this was the best Christmas evrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I got to see my cousins which is really weird because we've never had our family Christmas around Christmas time haha. We usually celebrate it in Februrary because that's when everyone is available. But this time we decided to do it close to X-Mas time because my brother will be in Georgia in Februrary. :(
We came home from their house on X-Mas eve.

Yesterday though, we opened presents early and played with everything for a while lol.

I GOT A VOYAGER PHONE &&&&&&& GH3.
Zomg best ever.

I have a phone. And unlimited texting. I am. So. Happy.


I got my brother this really sick Linkin Park shirt but it's one size too big so we're going to back to exchange it.


After we opened everything we went to my brother's girlfriend's house for dinner. It was fun. They made really great food and then we watched 300 because they set up their new surround sound system. It was cool haha.
And then Kendra and I kept texting even though we were sitting right next to eachother lol.

I lovee my phone. I loveee GH3.



Tell me about your Christmas's! I want to hear! I really do they were wonderful!
:D